I Can't Help Falling In Love With You

The Lord said:


"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."


(Matthew 11:28-30)


Years ago I lived in Provo, Utah. Outwardly I loved life; I had friends, fun, and many great spiritual experiences.  True, and I loved many people. But inside I was riddled with angst. I knew what the issue was, but that problem terrified me. I fought hard to extinguish that part of me, but like the game of wack-a-mole, no sooner would I pound down one manifestation than the same or one like it arose elsewhere, ever recurring, and then from the same holes again as before, as if to mock what I might have thought was progress. I was so burdened, and as I feared that my standing before God depended on my extinguishing this apect of me, I anguished alone.


And every day I gazed upon ugly, ominous mountains; and every Saturday I attended an unattractive yet spiritual temple.

But I returned, recently, for a friend's wedding.  The sealing was so beautiful I cried. Later as he and his lovely bride danced to Elvis Presley's "I Can't Help Falling in Love with You", I cried. As my friend and his wonderful bride were about to ride off, my friend ran back and hugged me. As we exchanged goodbye glances I cried. Through every tear I felt a serene smile on me that I had not felt before. From the beginning of my visit to the end of it words were exchanged that I will treasure literally forever. I love my friend, and I was so happy for him.

And I gazed upon beautiful mountains, magestic and Godly. And I marveled at a Temple so beautiful in its design intricacy and coloration. These were the same ones I had once seen as ugly.


But I am no longer riddled with angst. No longer do I fear myself or hate myself. The Lord Atoned for my sins and weaknesses, and I came to understand that this realization had set in gradually. I became conscious of this inner peace there in Provo, Utah, March 18-21st. I understood that the mountains and the Provo Temple were not instrinsically unattractive, but I had somehow once projected what I felt standing between me and The Lord onto them.

Why the difference now? Well, when I bottomed out and was ready to give in and embrace the darkness, The Father reached out to me. He asked me to choose Him, He promised to be my Man, He promised to fill me. And when I told Him "Okay" only to recognize that I was in a terrible place in life, I was scared, and I told Him that I didn't know what to do, He told me "Thou hast chosen Me. So rely on Me: I will resolve this."


That was mid-2011. Now I feel such profound love and gratitude. In a way I understand some things only the way I hear beautiful classical music though I have no personal abilities in music. I do not understand how The Father and The Son are One, but I hear the melody, and I feel the change within me, and I feel peace.  I no longer fear embracing His transformation of me, however gradual and whatever the cost, this yoke is a "thin" (hence "easy") yoke [per Hebrew Matthew] or "pleasant" [per Greek Matthew] yoke, and His burden on me is light, both in weight and illumination.


I learned something from reading Hebrew Matthew, and for me it opened me up to embracing my yoke: Matthew 5:10 "Blessed are they which are persecuted ones for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." That one difference "persecuted ones" opened my eyes to its meaning: blessed are those who choose My Father's righteousness, My commandments, even when this choice leads them to bear what can only be called persecution, but from within. In so doing these persecuted internally for righteousness' sake, these will have the Celestial Kingdom.


BTW: Matthew 5:11-12 offers a blessing for bearing persecution from others (external), but to me today it almost seems like the greater blessing comes for enduring the inner persecution (verse 10): "Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely: Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven."

One last point. Just before returning I met up with another dear missionary friend. As we shared our faith and The Lord's blessings on us I felt to share my struggle, when I bottomed out, but then I hestitated for a second out of shame. Then words came through my mind: "James, do not feel shame for this." And I remembered something The Lord had led me to discover earlier: When Jesus hung on the cross He was not given any loin cloth for dignity's sake, but was made to hang beaten and naked for the ultimate shame and humiliation. He thereby not only bore my sins but the shame as well. He bore it all. And I can't help falling in love with Him.

And I fell in love again with Jesus, in Provo, Utah, and thereby I fell in love with The Father again.


God bless you all.

But, behold I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto Him with exceeding faith, and He will console you in your afflictions, and He will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction.
(Jacob 3:1, The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ)